


Dialogues

by Anonymous



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Gen, batfamily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-02
Updated: 2017-08-02
Packaged: 2018-12-10 09:42:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11689023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: what it says on the tin. it's all dialogues.





	1. Yoga

“What are we even doing here.”

“It’s yoga class, Tim. You need to find your inner zen.”

“Steph, while I’m sure yoga has many beneficial effects, I do not think my precious time–”

“‘Precious time,’ psh. I found you playing Warcraft in your room, don’t lie–”

“–should be spent in a room full of yoga mats and young celebrities.”

“To think that I actually saw those words come out of your mouth. You have got to be the most ungrateful– _where did you get that_?”

“Get what?”

“That thermos.”

“…You gave it to me.”

“No, I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“Hand it over.”

“It’s mine, no take-backs.”

“Give it to me.”

“I like this monkey crawl over me, very zen. Is it a yoga position?”

“Give me that thermos!”

“Jump for it.”

“Hah! Got it!”

“Damn.”

“You’re not even that tall, I don’t know why you thought–oh my god.”

“Don’t pass judgement, it’s very un-zen.”

“You brought coffee to a yoga class! What is wrong with you?!”

“Mania keeps me zen.”

“Stop saying zen. You don’t get to say zen when you’re caffeinated.”

“Green tea has caffeine.”

“Next time I’m bringing Damian.”

“He’ll gnaw your arm off before you get here. He takes after Titus. You’d be better off with Cass.”

“Cass likes to take ballet, it’s more fluid.”

“I’ll go with her next time, I like fluid more than zen.”

“Like you could do ballet.”

“Excuse me, but Bruce had us learn the basics.”

“That’s why you’re so graceful, right?”

“I am very offended right now. Give me back my thermos.”

“Not until I replace the coffee with green tea.”

“You are a mean and cruel and sadistic woman.”

“Oh, baby, I love it when you talk dirty.”

“I’m not letting you tag along my next business trip.”

“Oh, come on. I need culture, I need to experience the world. To think this is the first time I’ve seen The Big Orange!”

“Okay, while New York City may be called ‘The Big Apple’ Los Angeles is definitely not called ‘The Big Orange.’”

“Not yet.”

“It will never be called The Big Orange.”

“Not with that attitude. This is why we’re here at yoga class, for you to open and stretch your mind!”

“My mind is stretched. It’s like a rubber band. Stretch it any more and it’s going to snap.”

“Now wouldn’t that be fun.”

“I’m instituting a five minute break up.”

“We aren’t even–”

“If you two are finished? We’d like to continue the class.”

“…Sorry, yeah, go ahead. We’ll–uh–we’ll just…be in the back. Far away.”

“Thank you. Now breathe in and out…”


	2. Ice Cream

“What are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing.”

“It looks like you’re eating ice cream at 2 o’clock in the afternoon with your laptop on your chest and a snuggie wrapped around your head like a turban.”

“My ears get cold.”

“Tim, why is the laptop camera on?”

“Because I’m going to Youtube me eating ice cream and other various things. I’m going to be the new Magibon. She left, and now there is a power vacuum and it is my destiny to eat things in front of the camera.”

“You are not the new Magibon.”

“Yes, I am.”

“You’re not cute enough to be Magibon.”

“Okay, one, highly offensive thing to say to the new Magibon. Two, Steph thinks I’m cute.”

“Steph, regrettably, is out of her  _mind_. Which is a shame, because I was rooting for her.”

“She went to rehab  _once_ , and it was for an undercover mission. And you only like her because she blasts Bruce every once in a while.”

“Yeah, it’s like the portal to heaven opens every time he gets that stupid insulted look on his face. I can hear angels sing~”

“Wipe that smile off your face. Besides, it’s not as if you and Dick don’t do stuff like this.”

“We do  _not_ –”

“Kiwi-vodka sauce scrub?”

“…Screw you, Nouveau Magibon.”

“How drunk were you?”

“I wasn’t drunk, and our hands were soft for a month afterward!”

“Grab the nutella.”

“Why are you like this.”

“No spleen, no cares. I’m a happy man, Jason. I’m the Magibon-Man.”


	3. Workplace

“You know what, that’s it! You’re grounded.”

“Reconsider.”

“No, no patrol.”

“I’m sorry it came to this, Father. Here.”

“…You’re suing me?”

“Classic EEOC violation.”

“How?”

“Age discrimination.”

“Because I’m punishing you?”

“Unfair standards. Also, allowing personal life to interfere with your workplace decisions.”

“Squirt, that’s not how this–what judge would–suing would defeat the purpose of–”

“I’m willing to take that chance for equal opportunity.”

“…Damian, go to your room.”

“Fine, but just remember: I have rights!”

* * *

 

“Jason, I need those reports–”

“Yeah, yeah, you’ll get ‘em. Man, overhead is such a bitch.”

“I’M overhead.”

“You are? No wonder you have no free time. Don’t you have an administrator?”

“I think Timmy is the administrator.”

“He’s not–”

“No, Dick is right. I’m the administrator, that’s why I get better pay than all of you.”

“Holy f*#k, you get paid? Bruce!”

“No one gets paid.”

“Except the administrator.”

“Who slips some moolah on the side…”

“What has two thumbs and made our family track suits possible? This guy!”

“You were the one who ordered those godawful track suits? I thought that was Dick! Bruce!”

“This is the first I’m hearing of this.”

“Order a full scale investigation! Call upon the accountants!”

“I am also the accountant.”

“ _The deception_   _lies deep_.”

“Speaking of accountants, have you seen ‘The Accountant’ yet? The main guy kind of reminds me of Bruce.”

“That guy? Please, Bruce is way better looking.”

“Thank you.”

“Whatever. I’m still not doing those reports until you launch an investigation on the corruption that is Tim.”


End file.
